Onion: Apple Works on Novel iPhone Lock-In Strategy

Josh Wright —  9 September 2009

Rewarding loyal consumers with a product they can really believe in:

“I am proud today to introduce to those who really, truly deserve it, our most incredible iPhone yet,” announced Apple CEO Steve Jobs, extending his seemingly empty left palm toward the eagerly awaiting crowd. “Not only is this our lightest and slimmest model ever, but as any truly savvy Apple customer can clearly see, it’s also the most handsome product we’ve ever designed.”

The packed auditorium, which had been listening to Jobs in hushed reverence for several minutes, then erupted into applause, with hundreds of men and women suddenly jumping to their feet and shouting, “I can see it!” “Look, there it is!” and “God, it’s so beautiful!”

Apple Claims Jump - KeynoteSteve Jobs unveils the updated iPhone exclusively to those who really, really want to see it.

Screams of “Of course, yes, I too can see the phone,” were also heard at this time.

Retailing for $599, the iPhone 3GI offers only the most special Apple consumers—the ones who believe in the company more than anything else in the world, and who would never, ever dream of questioning it—the ability to open dozens of powerful applications at once. In addition, the new multimedia device will provide true Apple fans with a high-definition video camera, one-tap editing with Final Cut Pro, and cut and paste.

“The selection of colors is amazing,” said Paul Conrad, a Fairfield, VA native who purchased phones in black, white, and silver. “Not only does it look awesome, but it can do pretty much anything you want as long as you believe in it.”

“The AppleCare Plan doesn’t cover dropping your phone, though, so I’d recommend buying one of these designer protective cases,” Conrad added.

While the new iPhone has been greatly admired and widely touted for its impressive voice and data communication capabilities, some Americans remain skeptical.

“Daddy isn’t talking into anything at all,” said 4-year-old Ella Conrad, pointing at her father, Paul, who has been obsessively staring at, playing with, and customizing the invisible phone since purchasing it Monday. “Daddy’s pretending to be on hold with an operator.”